Mornings regret Pt 30 The next few weeks passed slowly. Each new day felt like a struggle, but at least it seemed to get a little easier. For a while, I worried about the distance I felt growing between us. The first week after "that night" I had a hard time being close to her, and it didn't help that I was getting several phone calls a day from my future ex husband. The first few messages were profusely apologetic, something about missing me and being scared mixed with beer and pills. I didn't care what his excuses were, I knew I could never feel safe with him again, and I could never forgive him, much less forget. I started being less afraid and more angry
A New Day pt 22 After making my way across the street, I scanned the buildings to try to determine which store I should try first. One end was a grocery store, followed by a Chinese takeout, and a dollar store. The other side ran perpendicular and had a small bookstore, a thrift clothing store, a workout center, and a sub shop. I eliminated the restaurants, gym, and grocery for now and tried checking out the next store I came to. The dollar store was completely empty other than the cashier and stocker, so it was easy to tell she wasn't in there. I walked to the other side and stood for a minute, trying to determine which store she would go in. I opted
A New Day pt 20 She pulled into a shopping center and I asked her if we were going shopping again. She laughed, Nope, you'll see. She parked and we got out in front of the store. I still felt confused as we walked right past the grocery store and into the karate studio. She asked me to sit in one of the chairs up front while she talked to the girl at the desk. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but they were laughing and chatting for a few minutes before the girl thumbed for us to go on back. Taking my hand, she led me into one of the smaller rooms and motioned for me to sit down. Joining me on the floor she turned and smiled at me seeing the conf
A New Day pt 19 You weren't kidding about this place, the food is fantastic! I exclaimed through mouthfuls of food. I can't believe you put all those chilies on there, my mouth would be on fire! she laughed. Oh it is, but it's just so good, I can't stop eating them, I smiled taking a gulp of a virgin margarita. I continued eating and eventually the woman came back and sat down a short while to tell me stories about my girlfriend and the unusual girls she used to bring home. I laughed at this, feeling a little strange at how “normal” I must seem when compared to the girl with over 30 piercings and the punk girl who only shaved her head and not
Crush Ch. 15 - Frerard Gerard woke up with his beautiful boyfriend in his arms. He smiled seeing his angel's face and struggled to find the words to say to Mikey, so Frank would see how much he truly cared. "Suck it up, Gerard," he muttered to himself as he slid his arm away from Frank's soundly sleeping form. He grabbed his clothes off the floor, yanked them on and went to see if Mikey was home yet. It was quiet when he plodded down to peek in Mikey's room. Empty. "Guess he's not home yet," he said softly. He continued down the hall and stairs to the kitchen, intending on grabbing some br
New Year's - Frerard Waking up in a semi-dark, unfamiliar room, Gerard can't remember much about last night. He had too much to drink and met someone, but that was about all he could recollect. He tried to think of a name, a face, anything to give him a clue about what happened, but nothing came. As he went to sit up, he felt movement to his right. “Oh shit,” he thought. He turned his head and squinted into the darkness, a figure smaller than himself lie there. He could tell little else about this mystery person. “Hey, uh, I gotta go,” he said picking his pants up off
Warmth - Frerard “I'm coooold, Frankie!” Gerard complained, puffs of frozen breath clouding the air around him.“Aww, come on, Gee. Quit being such a baby, I'm almost done.” Frank clapped his hands giggling, “Okay, now you can look.”Gerard turned around and looked where Frank was pointing. His grumpy look was soon replaced with a toothy grin. “Aw, Frankie, I love it!”Frank had made a huge heart in the snow, using his feet. In the center he had written “I love you Gee!”. Gerard threw his arms around Frank placing tiny kisses all over his icy
Crush - ch 8 Gerard had wonderful dreams that night. They were filled with Frankie and left him smiling into the morning. When his alarm went off, Gerard jumped up and skipped to the shower. He had so much energy and after the dreams he'd had, he was excited about wrapping his arms around his boyfriend the second he got to school. He didn't care what anyone thought right now. He adored Frankie and the guys would just have to get over it. There was nothing that would keep them apart. Once Gerard got out of the shower, he rifled through his drawers looking for the perfect thing.
Crush Ch. 11 - Frerard There wasn't much talking while everyone drank their bitter coffee, but when mugs were drained Ray suggested they make a breakfast run. Gerard offered to drive. "Gee, can you just pick me up something? I don't feel like going out right now." "Sure Mikes. Guys, you coming?" Ray and Bob chimed in that they'd give him money if he got them something too. "I'll go with ya, Gee," Frank piped up. Gerard smiled, hoping no one noticed his excitement of getting to be alone with Frank, even if it was just a quick car ride. The guys all tossed money at them
Crush Ch. 10 - Frerard "Do you think he heard us?" Gerard whispered to Frank. There was nothing but soft breathing in response, as Frank was sound asleep. Gerard smiled at his adorable sleeping boy, and tried to fall back asleep himself. He heard Mikey come back in sometime later, but he had no idea how much time had passed between. He didn't think about it long because he was already drifting back off to lovely dreams.By the time Gerard woke again, the room was filled with sunlight and Mikey and Ray were missing. Frank was still on the other side of the couch though, so he whispered his name, hoping he might be waking up as well. Frank stirred slightly at
Gray skies make me feel.. Tiny blueberriesThe most ordinary smurfSmall, dull, blue
Newborn He'd told her to, “Wait”. She'd spent so much time waiting already. She felt like that's all she ever did anymore. She was waiting for everything and everyone. When would she be able to act? When would she be free of all these things for she was “waiting”? After sitting for 20 minutes she decided she was done waiting. She stood up, brushed her skirt down, slung her jacket over her arm and walked out. She knew what this meant. She would never see him again. That was fine, more than fine. She was free now.As Stella strode down the sidewalk, her heels clicked in approval. She felt like skipping, but she restrain
Silent An empty teakettle sits on a glowing burner. I nod to it, and feel drawn to wrap my hands around either side of her. We are soul sisters, but I know she will only burn me.
Daily struggles Around the corner and through the loopfingers flail, struggling with dirtied strandsOne in front of the other just breatheLittle blue engines tug at me, keep moving, keep movingAnd this dish has no spoon to run withbut I can learn to laugh at myself
Control I went to see her today, my counselor. I barely spoke at all. Every time I would start, I would choke and tears would burn my eyelids. God, I hate crying. Each time it happened, I could feel her looking at me, trying to figure me out. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a puzzle, a challenge to solve and nothing more. It makes me not want to return. I know it's good for me to come here though. If nothing else, it gets me out of the house and out of my head. It's gotten to the point where she is the only human contact I have anymore. I've been avoiding calls from Mom and Star for over two weeks. I just don't want to have to pretend to be
Nightmares I don't want to get out of bed today. Last night was filled with nightmares. It's like reliving those nights all over again. I wake up in a cold sweat, shaking. I've spent the last hour lying here, trying to decide if there is any reason to get up. So far, reasons to get up are: groceries. Of course, that is countered by: if I don't get out of bed, I won't eat; therefore no need for groceries.I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. I know what she would say if she knew what I was doing right now. She would tell me to get out of bed, take a shower, and go
Mirrors I avoid mirrors.I've found it's easier than facing the truth of what I've become. Occasionally I'll catch a glance of myself in a store window or in a puddle or worst of all, coming out of the shower. When that happens I always wonder if I might be sick or crazy. Maybe I'm both. My therapist says if I can even consider my sanity, that means I'm still sane. I think I've heard that before, somewhere. I used to believe it, but now I think she's just trying to make me feel like there is some hope. And I do feel like there's hope, if I didn't I would stop showing up for
Safety pin Fumbling with the safety pin attached to the hem of her sleeve, she couldn't remember exactly how or why it was there. There was something comforting about it, the little glimmer of metal under the florescent lights, the coolness between her fingers. Occasionally she would unhook it and feel the tip run across her fingertips, sometimes even pushing it just to the edge of drawing blood. Marks were made, but she never broke the skin. After the tiny prick, she would hook it back and fondle the end some more. She wasn't exactly nervous, but sitting in the hard chair trying to answer vague que
WIP love of words I fall in love withwords,sentences,paragraphs...Turn a phrase, and I'm yours (in the moment)Breathlessly smittenby woven sounds and meaningsThey run through my mind,keeping me awake at nightor echoing in my head as I wakeHaunting lines disconnected, disembodied,spill onto thin retired treesdrowning out basic routines... oh well, there's always tomorrow...
Overspent Boxes shaped like bodily organs,drenched in organza and lace,line the aisles begging for our last dollars.Clinging onto bits of paper,sweet chunks of deceptive love,and hopes of impressing that special someone,they hold their arms close to their chests.All this is in preparationof throwing out dead blossoms,empty boxes,and salted tissues,the only reminders of their valentine.
Cravings - Frerard Gerard held the phone to his ear, waiting for the fourth ring to click over to Frank's voicemail."Hey, this is Frank. Leave a message." Beep!Gerard pressed the end button and immediately redialed Frank's number. Hearing the greeting a second time, he finally flipped the phone shut.He had called the guitarist five times in the last hour. The final time was just so Gerard could hear his voice.Frank had been so busy lately touring with his other band, Leathermouth, Gerard had barely spoken with him let alone seen him.He had almost watched his entire DVD collection and was running out of things to distract him from missing Frank. He con
Call me Alice I find myself spiraling, spiraling, downward, downwardIt's my dirty little secret, hiding, hiding, inside this (
Sta.sh
